My Love for My Weakness

Personal Trainer.

Today will be my first trial training with a personal trainer in thai boxing.

I have been offline from tumblr for a while, since I was not training at all and I felt really bad about it and tumblr just would have made me feel more guilty in not going.

I don’t want to do boxing as just a sport, I would really like to achieve something big with it, that’s where the personal trainer comes in. He will check today my overall physic and strength to know better how much preparation I will need. A LOT I GUESS :D

42. How many meals do you usually have a day?

If I am good and keep to my plan I have 5 meals per day. If not… then who knows… probably like 1000 different meals.

41. Where are you from? Is your country’s diet healthy or unhealthy in general?

I have mentioned it previously - I am from Estonia. I guess the diet in my country isn’t that bad, considering a lot of things we eat daily have been grown on local farms and don’t contain that many chemicals. Of course there are the unhealthy products, but it’s also very easy here to be and stay healthy.

i genuinely didn’t even notice thigh gap’s until tumblr.

(Source: thinkposotive, via toneandfit)

40. What is your body frame? Small, large or medium?

I guess I could say medium. If I’d lose the fat I am pretty sure I would be “small”, since as a child I was pretty small, now I just have grown massive hips :D

39. Try a new veggie today. Learn how to prepare it and enjoy! How was it?

Nope, didn’t have time nor money.

My Past.

I started reading some pro-ana tumblr’s today. I don’t really know why… I saw an article in DailyMail, so I assume the idea came from there.

It is actually so sad to read all their entries there, because I remember so clearly when I was there myself.

The time when I ate less than 1000 calories per day, exercised like there was no tomorrow until I was soar and wanted to sleep. At that point I did another round of exercises.

Now when I am going to the gym regularly and started again with kickboxing… I keep thinking from time to time that I should start counting calories again (as in properly every single calorie… not just the approximate amount)… but then I also know where I will end up again. I am too fragile at the moment to start bullshitting around again.

Now every time when I think about skipping a meal (yes, I still do have that idiotic idea to skip a meal after a workout) I go straight ahead to the kitchen, grab myself a pear and move on.

38. Have you ever binged? If so, what is your „binge food“?

For me “over eating” and “bingeing” are two different words (well, duh). I used to do binge eating, one might even call me a binge eater. Now I am just a girl who now and then over eats CHEESE.

In my past I have always over eaten, never binged. The bingeing started about a year ago and I remember one time so clearly. I went alone home from a movie night, my flat mates stayed in the city and came back first in the next morning. So I decided to go insane, since I was soooo hungry. I went to a Kebab place, bought TWO kebabs, I think there was 3 packs of fries. Then I bought some chips and started eating it all on my way back home. Then at home I continued eating, also ate all my yogurts, my cornflakes, pickles and even started eating my flat mates ice cream. In that moment I stopped, although I was already so full a long long time ago.

Right now I don’t even know which was worse - binge eating or purging… Both make you feel worthless, both destroy your spirit… yet somehow you don’t know how to deal with all of it alone.

37. Have you ever purged? If so, how did you feel afterwords?

Yes I have. Well… it sorta happened, not much came out, since I guess I can’t really force myself to purge and I never tested it out for so long to be “successful at it”.

I tried it many times during in the beginning of last year (it was about the same time). It was the worse time of my life and almost the lowest point ever. Almost.

The only time I purge now is after a heavy party and mixed drinks.

How is it possible, that a guy I like actually hugged me on Valentine’s Day?

That sounded just so lame after I wrote it down :D BUT the main thing is, that for that little second I got to feel actually nice on Vday.

To be honest, it also wasn’t some lame ass thing where he comes, looks weird and hugs while saying “Happy Vday”… I didn’t see him, I was doing my own business and he came from behind me and hugged me, then turned me around and hugged again. Oh… I feel like a stupid teenager… and I know that this didn’t change anything. He is just a great guy and a great friend… since I am friendzoned with him as well…

How is it possible for me to be awake right now?

It is FOUR AM!!! FOUR!!! I went to bed at 11pm and probably first fell asleep around midnight. I was exhausted when I hit the sheets yesterday. Kickboxing did it’s job and when I got back at 9.30pm I had to start with school work (write analysis), yet here I am… Already AN HOUR AWAKE, ready to take the day and go to the gym.

I will probably die by the end of the night. Good luck at school :S

36. Write your current weight. Have you lost anything in the past week? If not, what are your plans for this week?

Well… since the weekend fucked it all up again, I think my weight is still around the 63 kilos… not the biggest fan of the scale, plus I keep forgetting to weigh myself, since I am more interested in looking from the mirror if there’s any progress.

I started now with kickboxing and I hope to go there about 3 times per week. If I feel like it and have more time, I will go more (it’s opened 6 times a week).

I feel like my upper body has gotten more stronger. My arms are more defined and now I can actually spend almost the entire hour running (well… an hour on a treadmill, which I used to hate).

I am in love with kickboxing.

I have no idea why I waited so long to start with it again. HALF A YEAR, or actually even more. Sadly my partner won’t come the next time, so I have to find someone else from the training to be in pair, but if not, I will still have the punching bag… and the trainer.